The end of one year and the beginning of a new one gives us the opportunity to reflect on the year that has been. I think 2011 may have not been everyone’s favorite, I know that it was necessarily mine. But with each year, as with each day, there is something there for us to learn from the experience. And when I think of it, even though things did not go quite as planned they were exactly what I needed. Which proves the point that sometimes we don’t know what we need, but life has a way of unexpectedly showing us. In this way you can either accept it and see it as a unique enlightening experience or rail against it. I have found if you do the later your efforts are ultimately futile as it accomplishes very little aside from sheer exhaustion and frustration.
I think the flow for me last year had a very quiet and subdued undertone, this is in stark contrast to my anxious nature as a child. Ever since I was a child I had a natural tendency to stress and worry about things, as I grew older I realized that all that stress and anguish were not helping me to accomplish my goals, they were in fact not healthy and to my detriment in every way. Now realizing this problem and actually taking the effective steps necessary can be two different animals. Sure I tried to not worry too much about things and that helped, but I was still running around like a chicken without a head. And when I was still the compunction to worry flooded back into my thoughts, because for some reason stillness gave me an uneasy feeling as if something was greatly amiss. This may be an American conditioning, because it seems like many other cultures don’t seem as bothered with it. It’s something that I’ve always sat in awe of.
Last year I took some time off, and it ended up being more than I had originally planned for but it gave me ample time to recuperate. I found time to lick my war wounds and heal, this was integral to moving past the past. I had found that I had allowed many of the ghosts of my past to imprison me and with this respite I feel that I have finally fashioned a key to release myself.
I found a great bit of my time was spent with my thoughts, rather than try to busy myself I realized it was better to embrace it. This took a great bit of effort as those little niggling ideas crept into my thoughts, you know the ones that tell gnaw at you with threats of uncertainty and panic. These little nigglers have only the power that you afford them, as they are all part of your imagination. Their ultimate power lies in the word should. Their end goal is to make you doubt yourself and your actions, to create within you and aura of unrest. I think this is something many, if not all, of us battle. Who among us does not question themselves and wonder “what if.” But the truth is that life is filled with questions and risks, there is as much risk to continue with status quo as there is to try something different. They’re just different types of rewards.
Having discarded the need for anxiety, as it has very little use, and quieted the whispers of self-doubt, I was left with quiet understanding. In this quiet understanding was stillness. There was something empowering about allowing myself to be still, I found that I had feared it for some unknown reason. Realizing that stillness was not something to fear provided a comfort and fortitude. I then realized that I could hear myself more clearly. I had spent so much time doing what I thought was expected of me, that I had neglected myself as a person. Having been so mean to myself, I felt that it is now time to remedy what ails me and start a new chapter. I am very much looking forward to writing it.
I do hope you all have had a wonderful year and that your New Years was fantastic. More over I wish this year to be everything you hope for.
Cheers my friends,